Tuesday, February 21, 2012

Awake

I managed to do everything I've been supposed to do for the past two days. I thought it'd make me feel better, but tonight, I got home and laid in bed, excited to fall asleep- the only time I don't have to think, and after watching the newest episode of How I Met Your Mother and being sad about that, I began to feel the deep void cling to my chest once again. I thought it'd go away if I talked to my friends, but their lack of understanding made it ten times worse. I don't understand how I feel about myself, how I feel about my lovers, or even how I feel about certain friends I sometimes want to be my lovers. I am overwhelmed, going to school is like torture. Getting out of bed is torture. So I decided to call it a night and become absolved in slumber. But then my brother got home. With six friends and alcohol. After ten minutes of tossing in turning, their obnoxious voices ringing in my eardrums, I break down. Bawling, short, concise sobs. As always, I don't know what to do, I try to curl up in a ball to calm down. It's not a panic attack, just a straight up break down. I try to call my best friend James, who is on the other line with our other friend. I cry into the phone and he calms me down-- until he accidentally switches lines and tells our other friend what I just said about her. It wasn't mean, I just feel like she can't understand me because she thinks her depression is worse because she's poor. Which isn't true. Her anxiety is worse, but I'm way more suicidal than she, at least at the moment, is. With my swollen eyes and pink robe, I ventured downstairs to make myself a small drink to calm down, thinking there were only a couple people. But no. Six strangers, one of which wouldn't stop staring at me. It made me furious because I obviously didn't look hot, so he was either autistic, or thinking "look at that ridiculous mess getting a drink for herself." I'm going to down it and go to sleep before the guy I torture myself with responds or does not respond to my text: "Awake?"

Monday, February 13, 2012

Frustrated

I wish I could say I haven't felt like this before, but I have many times. I sit in the scalding hot water of my bath tub, debating drowning, while I feel uncomfortable tightness and pain tingling down my sternum. I don't know what else to try, I'm so frustrated. I'm in therapy, I am taking pills that I don't want to take, I exercise, I socialize, I date, nothing helps. I don't know what else I can do to try and make myself feel better and try and make myself happy. I've even stopped drinking and smoking weed, there's really nothing else to try! Am I going to be this sad forever? I want to be comfortably numb at the very least.

Sunday, February 5, 2012

Continuously crazy, don't worry.

I'm tired of over-analyzing every conversation I have with every person I've ever met. And by every conversation with every person, I mean every conversation with one very specific person. Which is stupid.  I just spent an hour searching myself on Google so that I could delete any old accounts and embarrassing old website subscriptions, etc., etc. I wonder if this obsessiveness is OCD related. I don't have any feelings for anyone, but I still obsess over the idea of remaining attractive, funny, witty, interesting, etc. etc. I can be sexy to strangers, sure, but once the mystery of what's under my clothes goes out the window, it's all the more disconcerting for someone to only be half as interested. Sure, if we're still having sex, the partner has to be enjoying the sex, but once the desire dwindles, what is left of me to enjoy? I don't know, I'm getting crazier everyday. I don't really care if he finds me attractive as long as he makes me come. However, we've just been talking, not having sex lately. Why is he talking to me? I don't understand people. Person. I'm not involved, but I at least care about people and have emotions. It's creepy. Sighhhhhh. If only I could find the balance between emotionally dead inside, and hopelessly in love with me: Desires me, enjoys seeing me, fucks me silly, and doesn't want to be in a relationship. Of course, he has to want me more than I want him, that's a big one. Sexual politics! I need an assistant that will do my homework and fuck me, then go home.

Saturday, January 28, 2012

PillParadox

I'm almost defeated. I don't believe in taking pills for mental health. It disgusts me deeply. "We're human, we've evolved, we're so special that we have problems different than other animals." I wish I knew why I found it so repulsive. I reject the concept of nurture and only allow myself to believe it's all nature. Pills are like admitting that I'm weak. How can I admit to that? If anyone ever knew, I'd be so mortified I'd have to kill myself, just so they could laugh at me more. I don't know how I'd even pick them up at the pharmacy. I wouldn't tell anyone, of course, but just the knowledge of how vain and disgusting I am might send me overboard. I don't know how I'd cope with taking them. I almost don't want to feel better. I don't deserve to feel better, I was created this way, so what gives me the right to fight genetics? Why are humans superior to genetics? I find it unacceptable. It's like slapping science in the face and I don't know if I can do that. My ego is almost deteriorated to the point where I don't care if I take them or not, but I don't know if I really want to feel better. I don't want to not have an excuse to sleep all day. I don't want to have to talk to people, I don't want to do well in school, or try, or even attend. I don't want to feel like this, but I don't want to be happy, I don't want to be a drone. So, what the hell kind of solution is there?? I'm a bucket full of paradoxes and I don't want to pump the paradoxes full of chemicals. I don't like the open-endedness of what could happen. 

Thursday, November 3, 2011

Internal Struggle

So, now that I've had it established for me that I don't have an eating disorder and my compulsive eating is in fact OCD, I've been laying in bed all day, watching How I Met Your Mother, trying to convince myself that since it's my OCD and not an eating disorder, I should be allowed to binge eat and just say, "Oh, well it's my OCD, I can't help it... Neurons and whatnot..." And it's just been ridiculous. I've eaten half an entire box of Reese's Puffs Cereal today and I'm so unsatisfied. I want a big Gatorade and some sour cream and onion chips. The only thing stopping me from running to the gas station is the knowledge that I have four dollars in my checking account and I'd have to pay the attendant in quarters... which is just sad...

Wednesday, November 2, 2011

Morgan's Mother

My best friend of 13 years, Jimmy, has a twin sister, Jessie. Her best friend is named Morgan. Since we've been best friends for 13 years, we've spent a lot of time around his sister and her friends. We went to the same elementary, middle, and high schools. Had dinner at Jimmy and Jessie's, went to the same birthday parties. We were acquaintances, not best friends, but we knew and like each other enough. We're all the same age. About five days ago, Morgan's mother died unexpectedly. Morgan's little sister found her dead in bed one morning. She died in her sleep of something heart related. I've never had anyone I've loved die, excluding my childhood dogs. I can't imagine such pain. I have panic attacks thinking of such a devastating loss. I cannot even handle this death and I've only met the woman two or three times. Knowing how weak this makes me feel, and knowing how I feel not even knowing this woman, and not believing in an afterlife, I cannot imagine in the slightest how Morgan is feeling. If my mother died, especially in the night, I would not survive. I know I wouldn't. There isn't one chance. She's the only person I feel knows me. More than I know me. She doesn't know all of me, but she knows how my mind works. She's the only one who can calm me down. On the worst nights of my life when I call her, panicking, heart racing, tears rapidly melting away at my face, when I want to die, when I'm on the verge of making it happen, she is always there. Always. She will wake up and talk to me for an hour and a half at three in the morning in the middle of a work week and help me understand myself. My mother didn't raise me traditionally. She didn't vacuum, she didn't ever cook family dinners, she made me do my own laundry since I was seven. She was the object of most of my childhood teasing. But I owe her everything and I love her so deeply. I cannot imagine how Morgan is feeling, and when I try, I become numb in a heap of tears. I don't believe in god, and I don't believe in praying, but I want Morgan to feel better, I want things to get better, and I deeply wish for her pain to be alleviated as soon as humanly possible. 

"Dream, dream, dream, whenever I want you, all I have to do is dream"

Once I had a dream that my ex, whom I hadn't spoken to in months, lost their job and apartment and was staying at their parent's house and got back together with their ex-girlfriend and was just in a horrible place. So when I awoke, I texted them asking how they were doing and the response was, "Not so great, I lost my job last night and I don't know how I'm going to make rent." This crazy coincidence put me into a phase where I started researching precognition. However, I left this phase. As I don't believe in god or ghosts or anything of the supernatural nature, I accepted that precognition is merely coincidence. Last week, I had a dream that a different ex, (a crazy one with borderline personality disorder who refuses to talk to me now because I don't get "excited enough" when we hang out and I "only care about myself" simply because I didn't want to hang out after being yelled at for the past thirty minutes) called me and wanted to talk things out and in the dream, I said everything I had ever wanted to say about what a psycho they were and how their perception of me being the devil in the relationship was warped when all they did was yell at me for no reason and that they needed therapy. Two days later, this ex texted me saying how much they missed hearing from me and that their life was perfect now that they had a new job and they only were mean and angry because they didn't like their old job... So I went ahead and said everything I thought and that they needed help and I didn't want to attempt to be friends until they got their issues worked out because I don't like being yelled at and treated like the antichrist. When I told my dear friend Rachel this story, she suggested we read up on how to develop my precognitive powers so I could become a psychic and get my own detective show. Although I found this notion silly, I began to read up on precognition, which led me along the path of something that I actually believe in and have also experienced-- lucid dreaming.

Many people have told me I have some of the most vivid, lengthy, detailed dreams they've ever heard, and I cherish how interesting my dreams are... even though about 70 percent of these dreams are nightmares, they're always so riveting and insane that when I wake up crying in a cold sweat, I still can't help wondering where all of this information has come from. In the height of my own lucid dreaming, I've been able to recognize a dream and either, a. wake myself up, b. rewind and change a part I didn't like, c. go somewhere different. Although this is more than most people can do, I was curious to see how far I could push my dreamworld to develop for me. I read that meditation and concentrating on "reality tests" was a good way to initiate lucid dreams. Counting back from 100, etc. Yesterday, I spent the entire day sleeping. I had many dreams, but none were lucid. Today, I decided to skip classes and continue to sleep, sleeping a grand total of 15 hours today. A lot of dreams, none were lucid. I find that concentrating on meditating and sleep forces me into a bout of obsessive thoughts about my day and things I need to do... "I only have five more episodes of 'the L word' before the show is over... what will I do with all of my time?" "What if I don't get an A on all of my specimens for my Biology Lab class and I have to retake it? I can't wake up at 7am anymore, that's way too early..." "I have so much laundry to do." "What am I going to talk about in therapy next week?" "What if I have a lucid dream about Tyler? What am I going to say to him? Should I hit him?" (I'll probably go into detail about that bastard at a later date.) ETC, ETC, ETC. I find that this attracts the opposite aura required for lucid dreaming. So I guess I'm just going to try and let it happen, and in the meantime, begin to interpret my dreams by keeping a dream journal.

Dream Journal Entry 1:
Last night I had a dream I was visiting Manhattan for the first time with my father, brother, and three cousins-- my father's youngest brother's two sons and daughter. Each day, we would take the trolly from our hotel to the city, then by the time we got there, we'd have to take it back. On the last day, I decided to go into this restaurant. There was a group of people whom I had met on this trip I took for a Holocaust Remembrance week in Florida pertaining to an essay I wrote earning me a scholarship. We were to have dinner in the room at the top of the restaurant. When I went to my room to get ready, there was poop all over my makeup bag and I had no idea what to do because there wasn't a sink nearby and I didn't want to walk around with a poop covered bag and have people think I was the one who pooped on it-- because I didn't. Instead, I ditched the bag, and took the elevator down to the basement, where there was another big room filled with tables. It was covered in trash and dirty dishes, and a woman named Shanon who was my boss when I worked at Panera Bread, asked me if I'd mind helping clean up and she'd pay me. So I clocked in on her computer, she gave me a trash bag and I started to clean up. She introduced me to an attractive Hispanic man in his twenties who I was going to work with-- I don't remember his name, but he looked like Michael Peña, but thinner. We started cleaning up and he was flirting with me and made me laugh and whatnot. There was a specials board that needed to be wiped down, so I stood on top of the counter and started wiping it down, once I went to turn around, I tripped on the heel of my shoe and fell, but Hispanic man caught me, then kissed my shoulder, chest and then started kissing me. I pushed him off and laughed awkwardly because I was so surprised, and told him I thought he was very nice and funny, but I wasn't really in a place to be seeing anyone. In my head I was thinking I was insane, because I've desperately been wanting to kiss someone I was really attracted to for a long time. I could still feel the heat you get in your sternum when you kiss someone really deeply-- does anyone else get that? So once the room was finished being cleaned, I went out the lobby and found my cousins. We got some ice cream at a local ice cream place, where I immediately spilled it down the front of my clothes. We found the trolly and hopped on, taking it across water back to wherever we were staying. Then I realized, why am I in New York City for the first time and I haven't bothered to see any of the sights yet?? I decided that tomorrow I would go to see the Empire State Building, The Statue of Liberty, then I'd go shopping. But I didn't do that, because I woke up.

Dream Symbols:
New York
If you do not live in New York, but dream that you are in New York, then it symbolizes your fast paced lifestyle. Perhaps things are moving too fast and you are unable to keep up with the demands of everyday life. Alternatively, the dream represents your desires for more excitement in your life.

I think that I could say it represents me desiring more excitement in my life. All of my friends are off to college, I don't have many people around here I know, or things to do, etc. I am very bored and want to have fun and date, etc. I guess that's how I'll interpret this... or maybe I just watch too much How I Met Your Mother...

KissTo dream of a kiss denotes love, affection, tranquility, harmony, and contentment. In particular, if you are dreaming of your first kiss, then it may just be the anticipation of experiencing your actual first kiss. This dream is also symbolic of young love and fresh romance. Perhaps the dream is telling you that you need to inject some more romance into your waking relationship.If you are kissed by a stranger, then your dream is one of self-discovery. You need to get more acquainted with some aspect of yourself.

I think this is obvious-- I've been desperately wanting to kiss someone new for months now. I am so bored of not liking anyone-- I just want that heat in my chest I described earlier. It's not even that I want sex, just a really, really, steamy first kiss. And I guess I can always get "more acquainted with some aspect of" myself. That's why I'm in therapy I suppose.

CleaningTo dream that you are cleaning implies that you are removing some negativity in your life and overcoming major obstacles. You are moving ahead toward a new stage in your life.

I think this is obviously referring to the psycho ex who texted me and I referenced earlier. Instead of being nice and trying to be friends with him, I told him flat out I did not want to be friends and I did not want him in my life.

FecesTo dream that you are unable to dispose of the feces suggests that you are unwilling to let go of your emotions. You have a tendency to hold in and keep your feelings to yourself.
I don't see how feces represent this, but yes, I can see that... I'm assuming it's that damn Tyler guy I mentioned and how I can't get over how angry and hurt I am, even though I'm nowhere near in love with him anymore, I'm still pissed off and don't know how to let it go.

Cousins
To see your cousin in your dream represents something or some aspect of your character that is somewhat familiar. Perhaps you need to spend more time in cultivating and developing some emerging ability or character.

Hmm... I don't know much about this... I guess I've been feeling like I'm talentless lately and that I should be reading more and writing more. I didn't win a poetry competition I entered, which really bummed me out and made me feel like I should practice becoming a better poet? 

To dream that you are on a train symbolizes your life's journey. It suggests that you are on the right track in life and headed in the right direction.  Alternatively, the dream means that you have a tendency to worry needlessly over a situation that will work out in the end.

I feel like both of those analyses are good in that I have been panicking about my grades, when they are actually pretty good right now,  because if I don't keep higher than a 3.2 I lose a scholarship, and if I don't get at least a 3.5, I can't get into Veterinary school.